Bowling alone

I've been trying this wacky online dating thing for two weeks. I'm now convinced that if you only limit yourself to online dating interactions you'll either go quietly insane from frustration if you're a man or if you're a woman, start adopting cats to screen your emails. Online dating should be just one of several tools to increase your chances of finding that special someone who you can endlessly annoy.

Since I'm the type to try anything once (I have the scars to prove it) I decided to join a local singles group on meetup.com. The group page listed all sorts of activities with photos of happy, smiling care-free singles hiking, salsa dancing, speed dating, happy hours, etc. This is exactly what I have been looking for. I can talk to a real live woman without waiting two days for a reply! Sign me up.

I signed up for the next event. I didn't care what it was, I just wanted to try it. The next event was 80's night at a skating rink. I love the 80's but haven't been to a skating rink since...the 80's. 1982 to be exact, my tenth birthday party. This could be really, really fun or I'll end up with broken ankle and an ambulance ride to the nearest hospital. Either way, it'll be an adventure.

Two things I hate. Rollerskating and the Dutch.

I RSVP'ed the event that day and within a few hours I was on my way to the roller rink. My first sign that this could go horribly wrong was all the mini-vans in the parking lot with those annoying family stick figure graphics in the back window. According to the meet up twenty singles were attending and I was to look for a purple balloon near the snack bar. I paid my fee, rented some skates and looked for the balloon and twenty awkward desperate singles trying not to fall flat on their faces. I saw three birthday parties, about a hundred kids, an old school Contra video game that I really wanted to play and there in the corner, five awkward adults but no balloon.

I skated on over, knocking into two kids and almost injuring a third and asked if they were part of the singles group. The lady looked at me rather strange and said "I'm married." "I'm Dave." I said, and skated off. I scanned the room and saw the only other adults were surrounded by birthday presents, kids and they all had large shiny rings declaring their marital status and that exhausted look only parents have. I wobbled on over to the front desk and asked the manager if he heard of a singles group meeting here tonight. He actually scratched his head, as if that helped him think and said "Nope, I reckon I would have heard about that."

So there I was on a Saturday night, a forty year old, single white guy in roller skates, alone, in a dark room with a hundred children. I thought I'd better leave before some overprotective parent called the police on me but not before I played one game of Contra. Not only was I stood up, but I was stood up by twenty people in one night. That's got to be a record.

Psst, little girl. Wanna play some Contra?

The next day, I received an email from meetup asking me to rate my experience. Needless to say my review was not stellar. I ended my one star review with the quote "I guess skating alone is one step higher on the loneliness scale than bowling alone." A few hours later I received a personal email from the event coordinator saying how sorry she was for my misfortune. Apparently since I was so new to the group that I was not yet activated on their email list. They had actually cancelled the event and emailed the entire group... except me. I replied with the attitude of shit happens and said I would attend a future event, one that involved more alcohol and less children.

At least bowling has beer and interesting people